Relationships are a give and take. We are quick to notice when our partner is taking more than giving. Those are all valid questions, especially if you just came out of yet another fight that ended in bites and tears. But you will be unlikely to find the right answers to those questions. You might not find any conclusive answers at all. If you look closely, you’ll notice that all those questions focus on one thing only: Your partner. Now you can start asking the right questions. If you answer these questions honestly, you will find all the answers you need. Here are 3 questions to ask when you and your partner have arrived at a crossroads.
If I were my partner, how would I react?
In a serious fight, there are rarely any victims. Both sides are lashing out. Pointing fingers becomes an Olympic discipline in these situations. And believe me, I’m not free of sin either. It took me years to achieve the necessary introspective, and I only did so at the moment I almost lost it all. Only because of the incredible amount of patience my partner gifted me, are we still together, raising a beautiful girl.
Try to limit your emotions and look at yourself. Would you be willing to confront an emotional self? Would you blindly agree with everything you have to say? Or would you feel attacked and try to retaliate? Would you maybe try to escape this intimidating situation? Your partner is just like you — human. If you would want to run from yourself, don’t blame your partner for trying the same.
If I were my partner, would I be able to listen right now?
Have you ever asked questions on what they want? Most of us are quick to assume that it must be the same thing we ourselves want. But often, that’s not true. We’re all different. Each one of us has slightly different wishes, dreams, and ambitions. There’s nothing wrong with that. But this can cause issues if you stay in the dark about them. What are your partner’s goals? In life? In your relationship? In their career? Maybe they feel stuck. Maybe they feel immense inner pressure because they think they failed to provide you the life they want to give you? And if then a fight breaks out and you attack them, it’s not too far a stretch for them to think that you’ve come to a similar conclusion.
Another reason may be that they want to have children, waiting for years now, and they feel like time is running out on them. But you were not keen on the idea in a past conversation, so they feel afraid of speaking up about it. If you don’t know what your partner truly desires, it is past due to sit down together and ask questions, open and honest.
Am I truly supporting my partner?
And I don’t mean just replying great when they proudly announce that someone bought their handmade scarf on eBay. As children, we all look to our parents for validation. That’s how we grow as people. When we become adults and live on our own, that doesn’t mean that we suddenly don’t need the support of others anymore. You become the most important anchor in your partner’s life. Even if they don’t show it, your opinion is the most important one.
Imagine your partner picked up a pen tomorrow to start to write a book. If Stephen King himself would tell your partner that they are incredibly talented at writing horror stories, and you would claim the exact opposite, chances are, your partner will feel defeated and drop that pen immediately. Whatever it is your partner is doing, you have to support them with all you can give. Just as they support you in all your endeavors. Your opinion weighs higher than gold. You alone can be responsible for making or breaking them.
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