Humans are a highly social species, and we rely on others to get our needs met. In most cases, we depend on different people to meet different needs. However, when it comes to meeting our sexual needs, most of us depend on a single committed partner. So how do couples negotiate with each other to fulfill their intimate desires? Wedding Affair brings to you everything you need to know about attachment patterns to keep each other happy in the bedroom.
Interdependence theory argues that we enter into relationships in order to get our needs met. Our relationship partners meet our needs, and in return they meet ours. This sort of arrangement entails a tallying of the “gives” and “takes” between the relationship pair. To summarize, interdependence theory suggests that intimate couples should behave according to exchange norms in their relational interactions, including in the bedroom. Following this approach, the best way to get your intimate needs met is through an exchange of sexual favors. Thus, the husband performs the sexual acts that the wife wants so that she’ll perform the ones he wants, and vice versa.
In contrast, attachment theory suggests that relationship dynamics play out according to the relationship models we first developed in infancy and early childhood. Most children develop a close intimate bond with their mothers, learning that she can be trusted to meet their needs. Children with secure attachment, according to attachment theory, are likely to grow into adults who trust that their friends and intimate partners will treat them well.
For a variety of reasons, some mothers are unable to be consistently responsive to their baby’s needs. This could be due to postpartum depression, other stresses in her life, physical or emotional abuse at home, or mental illness. At any rate, their babies may learn they can’t depend on their mothers to meet their needs, and they develop an insecure attachment instead.
What To Do?
Striving to meet your partner’s needs rather than your own is known as communal norms. Securely attached couples are happiest in their sex lives and overall relationship when then follow communal norms, striving to meet their partner’s needs while trusting that their partner will meet theirs. In fact, there’s plenty of research suggesting that endorsing communal norms leads to happier marriages than endorsing exchange norms does.
If you know your own attachment style is avoidant but your partner’s is secure, you may need to take leaps of faith in the relationship that you’re not comfortable with. Trust may not be your thing, but for the sake of your relationship, you’ll need to learn to trust your partner to meet your needs. Try giving without expecting anything in return, and see how it pays off.
And if your partner is avoidantly attached, bear in mind how difficult it is for them to trust others. Over time, their trust in you may increase, but for the time being you can make your partner more at ease by reciprocating favors right away, both in the bedroom and outside of it as well. Keep in mind that you may be the first person your partner has ever placed any amount of trust in.
Also Read: Signs you have outgrown your relationship
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